The Assisted Living Centre where Clara lives changed their cable TV boxes and remotes in each of the rooms.
Now, there are millions of people who can read that line and go, MEH.
And then there will be every person who has someone elderly in Assisted Living or somewhere close who will think ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
And I agree. Let’s hand Grandma a new remote. A different remote than the one she’s used for years. Did the outgoing calls from the facility spike by 1000%? Why, yes, yes they did.
I arrived at Clara’s and had a look at her television, the new cable box and the remote. She advised me that she hadn’t had TV in over 24 hours. She further stated that the guy that was supposed to hook everything up got mad at how her TV was sitting and the stuff that she had on the table behind it, and he left. Without. Hooking. It. Up. My guess is that she said something to him and he left in a huff. After all, he is just the Help.
So, I had a look at the back, checked out the cable cord and checked the box, which was lit in eerie blue.
Clara immediately ordered me out from the back of the TV. She is afraid of explosions and fire, and since in her eyes I am 4 and still smell like pee, I have no business back there. Plus, I have a vagina. Girls do not know what they are doing. This is MAN’S work. I’ll probably just get jam all over everything. I should probably just go wash my hands in the sink.
But this was fun and her frowny face is cute, so I stayed right where I was and poked at stuff. I have set up TVs, computers, I-Pads, phones, you name it. It really only took one glance back there to see the problem.
I explained to her that her cable cord was out and I could fix it. She had to weigh the explosion/fire vagina aspect against missing yet another Showstopper on The Shopping Channel and gave me a dismissive wave – DO WHAT YOU WANT.
So, I quickly screwed in the cable cord, unplugged the cable box and plugged it back in. Now it was glowing red, which was perfect. I wrestled the remote out of her hands, synced that with the TV and gave it back. Then I told her I had gotten the cable box working now and it would be RED while it was working and BLUE when it was turned off. She nodded and said GOT IT.
We turned everything on and it worked. I sat on the end of the bed, triumphant to rack one up for the Vaginas, when it began:
WHY IS THE GUIDE SO SMALL? IT WAS NEVER THIS SMALL BEFORE.
I PRESSED CHANNEL 53 AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING. THEY’VE MOVED MY SHOW.
FINE, I WILL JUST LISTEN TO MUSIC THEN.
WELL, THAT’S MY MUSIC BUT IT SEEMS TINNIER. THE SOUND IS OFF.
WHY IS THERE NO VOLUME? IT WAS LOUDER BEFORE THAT GUY WAS HERE.
Dear God in Heaven. I looked over and she was pressing her little bony fingers on the remote like she was texting a break-up message to someone who cheated on her. I was scared.
I reached for the remote and ordered her to unhand it and give it to me. It took a second, but she finally gave it over. I got the volume issue fixed and gave the remote back to the little waiting hand. Then I noticed that the picture was kind of jumpy so I was pressing some buttons on the side of TV, bringing up a menu, and following it.
In the meantime, Clara is asking me questions.
WHERE DID THAT MENU COME FROM?
THAT DOESN’T BELONG THERE. Points remote at TV and beats keys on remote to death.
WHY WON’T IT CHANGE CHANNELS?
THIS REMOTE DOESN’T WORK. I WANT THE OLD ONE BACK.
THEY TOOK MY TV REMOTE TOO, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY LEFT.
As she is asking me questions and bringing up all of these new cans of worms, I am trying desperately to follow the menu, but her remote actually cancels the screen and the volume goes up and she’s still texting her break-up message, I am looking at the screen and it’s jumping all over the place, and I finally reach over and TAKE the remote away from her for good.
I said I AM TAKING THIS. ONLY ONE OF US CAN WORK THE TV AT ONE TIME. WHEN I AM DONE I WILL GIVE IT BACK.
All went silent and I thought – well good, now I can work in peace.
Then I hear:
I STILL DON’T KNOW WHY THE LIGHT ON THAT BOX IS RED ALL OF A SUDDEN.