I work shift work and normally when I am working my 12 hour nights I arrive home close to 8:00 am. One night I was able to get off a little early and I slipped in the door around 3:30 am. The house was dark and Bruce was asleep in the living room Lazyboy chair due to his leg brace, wheelchair and whatnot.
I went over to check on him and he opened one eye and said – SOMETHING WENT DOWN LAST NIGHT. ‘Nuf said. I’m was on it like a monkey on a cupcake. Boots off, coat still on, I made my way to the kitchen, my back to the wall, breathing shallow and started the process.
I found Reggie’s bath squirt bottle on the floor, just lying there, no one around. Another 4 feet ahead of that, I found a pen on the floor. I turned, my back still to the wall, and made my way south towards the dining room. No lights get turned on in this process. It’s easier to catch the culprits if they don’t know you’re looking. Prime Time TV Shows 101.
On the table, I spotted an overturned lotion bottle and another pen on the floor. I stopped, listening but I heard nothing. It was still dark outside, stormy but I had enough natural light to survey the damage, and I still couldn’t see anyone lurking.
I stepped quietly into the office, which is my base of operations and the suspects’ absolute favorite place to hang out.
I noticed it immediately. On the second shelf of the study centre I have my name spelled out in 4 small ceramic blocks, each with a letter. That night it said JUD. I find the Y in the ashtray. Poor choice my friends; it was the block decorated with the dog on top – the others had cats on them and they were untouched. My list of suspects grew smaller.
I checked the Lazyboy in there, piled high with stinky, furry fleeces but no lifeforms were to be found. Hmmm. It must be bad if they are still hiding this far into the investigation. I probably haven’t even found the worst of the crimes yet.
I surveyed the room closely, looking for anomalies. As I stepped closer to the window I find success. With my foot. Water. And my large glass mug, fully intact and fully empty. It had been knocked off of the desk, water everywhere.
I had seen this before. It is the modus operandi of suspect #2. The fuzzy one. She puts her paw in the mug and for some reason, it tips over. It must be a mystery to her too because she tries it over and over. I normally secure the mug but this past night I had not.
From there, a quick look down the hall, and I know I’ve uncovered all of the major crimes committed the night before. I restored order and headed over to see how Bru is doing. When I turned on the light I saw two little piles of kibble vomit on the livingroom floor.
Seriously? I’ve just put in a grueling 12 hour shift, I think I may be out of candy, and I come home to this? All of this, including kibble vomit? Why can’t the suspects just stop eating when they are full? This isn’t an ancient Rome orgy where you just make room for more.
I cleaned up the kibble cookies, talked to Bru for a sec, grabbed a coffee and sat down at the computer. Then and only then did the suspects come out of their hiding places and grovel for my love and attention, along with my can opening skills.
I looked at both of them sternly, knowing that THE HEIFER was likely innocent of any wrong doing. This whole crime scene stank of Abby. While she enjoys the spoils of my working for money, she gets a bit testy when I’m working my 5th shift in a row. Less time for cuddles and cat food.
After feeding them both and receiving purrs and cuddles, I sat with my coffee, contemplating all that has occurred. One thought kept coming back to me though.
Spilled drinks, men sleeping in chairs, vomit on the floor…
OMG – I LIVE IN A FRAT HOUSE.