Backstory: Clara is my mom. Currently she is 94 (2019) and she is in Assisted Living in Strathmore, where Bruce and I live. She is in a wheelchair, but otherwise, her health is good and her mind is as sharp as a used tack – sort of one of those tacks that has been pushed into the cork board many times but it still looks new.
Clara has pulled several shenanigans over the years, a lot of times claiming ignorance of the rules/law. Check out Crimewave From Another Wheelchair to see her crime spree in various stores eating grapes.
So, this event spoken of here happened in 2001. Clara would have been 76 and was getting around pretty good. We all still lived in Calgary and Clara had been shopping at Goodwill again and had found some ‘excellent bargains’. The store wasn’t far from her place in Varsity Acres in the NW and she popped over there quite often.
Bru and I had gone over to visit and Clara was wearing this cardigan sweater in a black and grey mohair. It was really nice and I complimented her on it several times. About a week later she gave it to me. This is unprecedented and my suspicions were at full Defcon 5. She told me she didn’t really like it anymore and thought it would look better on me. Is there a Defcon 6?
Fun Fact about Clara – she can’t help it, but if she has something and she knows you want it, you can’t have it. If she knows you don’t want it, you can’t have it. She does give things away but there is usually a different reason behind the generous offer. And the item is usually something that will not benefit the giftee in any way, shape or form.
So back to Defcon 5 and this ‘free’ sweater. I took the sweater home and wore it around the house for a day or so but then I started to notice that it was shedding. Just a stray hair here and there but when they landed, they looked like pubic hairs. Well, of course they did or this wouldn’t be happening to me.
To say I was alarmed would be an understatement. It was beginning to look like a crime lab around our place. I took the sweater off and chucked it. Then I called Clara and eased her into a conversation about the sweater. I asked her again why she gave the sweater to me since it was so nice. She said WELL, AFTER I WORE IT FOR A DAY OR SO I NOTICED IT WAS SHEDDING AND THE HAIRS THAT WERE FALLING OFF LOOKED LIKE PUBIC HAIRS. IT WAS DISGUSTING.
So, you just gave it to me so that I could experience the same hideousness you went through? And you neglected to mention the pubic aspect of your decision to make a gift of the sweater? Thank you, Clara.
In keeping with the theme of precious gifts that Clara has purchased for Bru and I, this next one is, well, interesting. This one occurred when Bru and I were first married, which was 1987, so this would be about 1990 or so.
Clara has been ordering from The Shopping Channel since it started on the air with just pictures; no video. I even ordered once myself – it was the Pearl-O-Rama – you got the earrings, necklaces (x3), bracelet, ring, and a bunch of other stuff for, like, $4.99. Who could pass up a deal like that? Cheap plastic in black and I wore the entire set for a home photo op but we seem to have lost the picture somewhere. Darn.
So, Clara has been their best customer and she knows her way around. Back then you ordered by phone and she still orders on the phone, to this day, while the rest of us do it online. I think when she calls they have to get someone out of the back to take the phone order because no one else knows how to do it.
But in reality, Clara orders from The Shopping Channel on a regular basis. They are Canadian, they deliver right to her home and she gets some pretty good deals. She has always loved to shop and I think it is terrific that she can watch the show, see the products and pick up the phone to order whatever she wants.
She is still ordering now and she doesn’t get out much, being in a wheelchair, so this benefits her even more by allowing her to look over the stuff and send it back if she doesn’t like it.
She has purchased some really nice clothes from TSC, comforters for her bed, humidifiers for her room – the list goes on. They sell just about everything you could want. She will often see something that she thinks one of us kids would like, so she will order it and have it delivered right to the house. That is always a nice surprise and sometimes we all get the same thing if the item is a Showstopper and on sale.
The Shopping Channel carries some great brands too. Isaac Mizrahi, Wolfgang Puck, you name it. They have great appliances, clothes, shoes and boots, bedding and tons of other stuff.
That day in 1990, when a box arrived at the house for us from The Shopping Channel, Bru and I were excited to see what Clara had ordered for us. Excellent kitchen stuff? Clothing for me? Shoes perhaps? I couldn’t wait.
We opened our parcel and unwrapped it, and we found that Clara had bought us a FLEA TRAP.
Que Pasa? A Flea Trap? I called her to let her know that the parcel had arrived and I asked her what she had ordered, just to make sure there wasn’t a mix-up at the loading dock. She told me she had ordered us a nifty FLEA TRAP and it was a really good one. You just plug it in and apparently all the fleas infesting my body would march right into the trap.
I then wanted to know what gave her the idea that we, over at the COLE residence, were infested by fleas. I mean, I hadn’t heard any little trumpets or drums, so there wasn’t a flea circus in the house. I hadn’t seen any little, tiny tables with stuff for sale, so there wasn’t a flea market in the house – what was Clara getting at here?
She responded by saying WELL YOU HAVE A DOG AND THE BIRD AND EVERYONE KNOWS THEY CARRY FLEAS SO WHEN YOU PLUG THIS IN, THE FLEAS WILL BE GONE FOR GOOD.
I told her that I was quite certain none of us had any fleas or we would know it. I had never seen a flea in the house, the dog didn’t have fleas and the bird didn’t have fleas. And then something kind of dawned on me, because she wasn’t making her usual solid argument this time.
I pushed my theory out there, because, well, she is my mother and I know her well – DID YOU BUY US THE FLEA TRAP BECAUSE YOU WERE BUYING SOME STUFF FOR YOURSELF AND THE PRICE OF THE FLEA TRAP PUT YOUR TOTAL UP JUST ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET FREE SHIPPING?
MAYBE.
And the mystery was over allowing the files to be returned to the drawer marked SOLVED.
Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I still felt a vague resentment that she was convinced we had FLEAS. Seriously, Clara.