To obtain this look I pointed the phone at my face whilst hanging upside down from a chandelier (fine, it was a big chandelier). This makes my bangs fluffy. I then photo-shopped in a high forehead and lines under the eyes using a program called Add the Years Watch the Tears. It’s free. I then placed some more lines along my jawline to enhance my oval face.
Lipstick Color #375 – ‘Bingo-I Won Bitch’.
Foundation Color #73 – ‘Autopsy’.
I have dabbled around in the world of Selfies but I haven’t really taken them seriously ever since I checked out the Internet and took a look at what other people have been posting. There are women out there who put on professional make-up, have extraordinary hair, and then pose in a thong in front of the bathroom mirror. They look remarkable.
I, on the other hand, can report that my entire make-up collection is worth about 10 bucks, my hair is basically on top of my head and no one needs to see me in a thong. Trust me on this one. I tried on a thong once in a store and then I couldn’t find it. The heartbreaking news here is that I had not taken it off yet. When I set off the alarm at the exit door and explained the circumstances to Security, he stared at me for a while and then just told me to run. He even held the door open for me. What a nice young man.
So I have taken a few Selfies here and there, but I have never seen anything worthy of posting anywhere public.
One morning I finished up nightshift and I stayed up all day. This isn’t unusual behaviour for me because it’s fun. I stay in and I know I can nap anytime. In the world of an adult, having a day where you ‘should lie down and nap’ is really the best day you are ever going to get. Throw in some ice-cream and you’ve got a deal.
So I went the whole day without actually taking that nap and later in the day I posted a mattress on Kijiji for free. That’s what happens when you don’t sleep. I got a hit right away and as the evening wore on, my little customer was texting me and asking some questions. So I said I would take photos of the tags and text them to her.
This is now about 10 PM and I was crawling alongside the mattress, getting a shot of the side-tag and I hit the wrong button and took a shot of myself by mistake. It came up on the screen and I literally froze in fear at the image until I realized that it was ME. Dear God in Heaven, what is wrong with the cameras in these phones? Like seriously. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I was on maximum exposure face-wise, but come on. I crawled back out and went into the bathroom to look in the mirror. Sweet Onion Chutney. Nothing wrong with that camera.
In the mirror I could see this troll-like being which resembled a human in shape only. The eyes were thin strips of red and underneath were black mascara flakes and other flotsam and jetsam. The nose, oh the nose, seemed to have a wart on the end – it was hard to tell with all of the discoloration. Overall the skin seemed to have some kind of freckled look to it but not in a cute way. It was more of a mottled look you might see on a deep sea monster that had never seen the light of day. The lips were dry and chapped and seemed to be peeling. And finally, the hair. It was hair, yes, but was it human? It must have been at one time – there seems to be some styling to it once – I could see bangs and maybe a brush back on the sides, so someone with training had cut the hair in the past.
I compared the mirror to the shot on the phone and they were identical. No wonder I was scared. So this was a Selfie. Inadvertent, yes, but a Selfie none the less. I am not a fan. In fact, I doubted that I would ever take another Selfie again.
I received another text from my new friend asking if I was going to send the photos of the tags. I didn’t realize how much time had passed while I was riding the Crazy Train in front of the mirror. I didn’t want to explain to her what I had been doing – free mattress or not, she wasn’t going to show up here if I told her what was going on. So I said I had been caught up on the phone and I sent the photos, minus the Selfie, of course.
Then I poked through my various potions and lotions and found something to put on my face that might help. Now, in my defense I had been up for over 24 hours and managed to sneak a 12 hour shift in there, but still, I’ve seen better faces laying in a casket. Maybe I should have a make-over done by the funeral home. Hmmm.
So I slathered lotion all over my face, looking to erase 59 years of hard living overnight. That sounds like a lot to do so I pressed extra hard. Need. To. Get. That. Lotion. In. To. The. Pores.
By the time I was done I was exhausted. I must have a big face or something. I crawled into bed and fell asleep out of pure numbness. I just didn’t want to deal with my awakening any more.
Sidenote: Bru was in the hospital during all of this so I was running completely rogue here with no voice of reason. The cats were wandering around somewhere but as long as I was feeding them they were fine and agreed with anything I did. Reggie was in his cage and didn’t know I was home.
In the past, I have taken several Selfies for my Profile at Zenni Optical for trying on glasses. Those photos are real stunners and I am ever so proud to see myself looking back when I am choosing frames. On the good side, I find that very large, dark sunglasses look good on me. Hah.
Then Bru took some shots of me during a holiday once here at home. I was wearing a paper crown from a Christmas Cracker. I guess that is not really a Selfie – It’s more of a Youie. Anyway, I was reminded of Jabba the Hutt. I seemed to fill out my chair really well, which I did not know I was doing. I also noted that my bra was not performing at peak efficiency. Nor was my girdle. So if I’m going to buy and wear all of this uncomfortable gear, then why aren’t I showing up in these photos as a svelte and stunning retired super-model without a care in the world? Good question.
What are these Internet women doing to look so good besides having amazing genes and some kind of exercise regimen? Are they taping their faces and pulling the skin back so we can’t see? Do they have clips on their backs where they are holding extra skin for the one moment when the flash goes off? Who really knows what is going on in those bathrooms across America and Canada? That just isn’t fair because I never thought of that and I didn’t know we were allowed to employ the use of duct tape and glue for Selfies.
Now that I have read the rules and understand the Terms and Policies, I think I will venture toward the world of Selfies one more time. On my next quest I will be prepared with my make-up, some decent clothes and a better angle. I’m not ready to work the thong just yet, at least until I find that last one.