Photo by Toa Heftiba on UNSPLASH
I totally understand the reasoning behind having the SPCA. The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
What I have to know; actually I demand to know; where is the Society that protects us humans from house cats and mouthy parrots? I picture this group as being heavily armed, relatively fit people, who will answer a call when someone dials 1-800-EVIL-CAT. This society will respond immediately, using their latest technology and transport methods, arriving via helicopter and rappelling down ropes to arrive at our front door within minutes of the call.
The homeowner would point out the offending cat or bird, at which time this group would place that pet in a portable kennel and then show them a film or movie of what goods pets look like and how they behave. Once this brainwashing is complete, the pet in question would behave in a civilized manner from that point on.
So with that in mind, I would like to thank my family of pets for their shenanigans over the past year that have added to my aging process.
1. To THE HEIFER – thank you for opening the lower freezer in our fridge while I am working on the computer in the middle of the night so I will hear the alarm and come out of my office to see what is going on. Thank you for using that trick for the first time on a very dark and windy night, when I didn’t even know you could do that, and I thought zombies were in the kitchen looking for frozen goods. Thank you for waiting until I closed the freezer, thus blocking out the last light source, before letting out your Serengeti howl to alert the Staff (me) that you want treats. I must remember to mention to the medical authorities that this howl could someday replace the defibrillator in certain home situations.
2. To Abby – Thank you for climbing to the top of the pantry and flinging off the plastic ornament of THE HEIFER, not once but twice this year. The first time was when I was ignoring you and I get that. The second time, when it broke for good, I was just minding my own business. I am the victim here.
3. To Abby – Thank you for also flinging the following items off of various counters and desks over the year: one plastic bowl, 16 magazines, 3 open cans of your chum-like cat food, one metal bowl at 2 in the morning, THE HEIFER’s treat container (there may have been collusion here), a sharp knife, numerous lighters, one full mug of water, a bag of candy that narrowly missed THE HEIFER, 43 pens, 1 cold pill, and the letter Y in my little blocks that spell JUDY (I understand this one because the Y has a dog on it). You have my attention.
4. To Reggie our parrot – Thank you, Reggie, for waiting until the dead of night when I walk by your cage after working on the computer for hours to say GOOD MORNING in a quiet but evil voice that I wasn’t expecting since your cage is covered and I have been busy enough to forget that we even have pets. That always helps with the belief that the doors are locked and I am safe. Who needs Metamucil?
5. To THE HEIFER – Thank you for deciding to sleep between me and the edge of the bed to ensure that you will know when I get up so you will get fed. And thank you to Abby for pinning me down on the other side for the same reason. We chose a King size bed for a reason but night after night I sleep in the space of a cot. A very small cot.
6. To THE HEIFER – Thank you for napping in the doorway of the extra room directly beside the washroom so when I pass by in the dark of night you can MEOW just to show your support for my computer work and late hours. Black cat, dark hallway, quiet house, human being stroking out in the hallway.
7. To Reggie our parrot – Thank you for yelling CHICKEN IN YOUR BUM when I am on the phone with THE BANK or other institutions where it is imperative that they believe I am sane. Thank you for making the sound of the microwave well enough that I will check to see if I’ve forgotten to take some food out after it’s cooked. Thank you, too, for swearing like a guest on Jerry Springer whenever we are on speaker-phone with Bruce’s doctor, again, even though your cage is covered and you haven’t uttered a sound in hours.
8. To THE HEIFER and Abby – Thank you for scattering like feral sheep being buzzed by a helicopter whenever anyone comes to the door. Your commitment to my safety is stunning and it tugs at what’s left of my heart. Thank you for staying in your hiding places in case I’m murdered in the living room and Thank You for not even looking slightly sorry when you finally emerge from these hiding places hours later because you fell asleep. You may want to remember who has the opposable thumbs around here and opens the cat food cans before you take off the next time. Uh huh.
9. To THE HEIFER – thank you for snuggling beside me in bed on New Year’s Eve when I hit the sack at 8:30 PM because I had to get up at 4:00 AM for work. As we lay there listening to the radio, the fireworks in town started and rather than warn me that we were taking mortar, you used my prone body to dig in the claws from all four of your stinky little feet to propel yourself into the air, where you remained airborne until you hit the floor, and ran, finding a hiding place for yourself and only yourself. May you rot.
10. To Reggie – Thank you for silently slipping off of your cage and going on a little birdy Walkabout unbeknownst to anyone in the house as we were all busy with our backs turned. Thank you for winding up at my office door while I was working on the computer in a very quiet atmosphere and asking me WHACHA DOIN BUDDY? I knew that the voice, clear as a bell, had come from floor level and for a few moments I could not make sense of what was happening. That is the true feeling of insanity, mingled with shock and a complete lack of explanation until I turned around and saw your little scrap of a body standing there with your big stinky feet. The fog cleared very quickly but you gave me those moments for free and I can’t forget your generosity any time soon.
11. To THE HEIFER and Abby – Thank You for being there the second I wake up at 4:00 AM on a workday while I am stumbling through the house, seeing if anything looks remotely familiar and finally dropping into my office chair to try to wake up. Thank You for meowing in such a way that I can hear you are starving and life itself is ebbing from your bodies before my eyes. Thank You for listening to me croak that I will feed you at 4:45 AM and then Thank You for threatening to get my Supervisor. Every early morning with you two is like waking up in a sunny little garden where I will be dressed by birds.
12. To THE HEIFER – Thank you for opening the shower door in my back bathroom so when I go in there before I can get to the light I will inevitably bump my head on that very same door. Your joke is in bad taste, it is random and therefore I am in a constant state of surprise when it happens. You are on my list so many times, I’ve ordered a stamp. Why strain my hand writing your name over and over.
13. To Anonymous – Thank You for knocking over the bowl of kibble last night in your haste to have fun and spin your jocularity while we were sleeping. Thank You for deeming this spilled kibble ‘inedible’ as it remained scattered across the floor when I got up. Thanks again for watching wide-eyed as I swept up the mess, your faces innocent and somewhat surprised that something like that could happen in a small town.
14. To THE HEIFER – Thank You for sitting on my chest in the middle of the night, looking for attention and fish. I didn’t completely wake up but my dreams took on a nasty tone of me being locked in an Iron Lung. Thank You for licking my forehead until I actually did wake up to the silhouette of what I perceived to be Batman in bed with me. No really, thanks for that. It was awesome until I realized it was you. It is frightening how much your front profile looks like Batman – I wonder if he knew that when he was planning his costume.
15. To Abby – Thank You for showing me your furriness by laying on the furnace vent in the bathroom and then getting up to a cloud of fur that took 48 hours to settle on everything that is dear to me. If I could think of a way to make it stick permanently I would bring bald men over, put glue on their heads and charge them money to go in there with you. Of course, that would be any bald man who prefers to be a calico to being bald.
16. To THE HEIFER and Abby – Thank You to whoever thinks the Litterbox is the beach. That flinging just enough ‘sand’ out of the box makes the trip feel like a vacation. Thank You for at least keeping your smelly little offerings inside the box for me to pick up and just letting the other stuff fall to the outside. If it was reversed and you were flinging anything else, I would leave town in the middle of the night, alone.
That should cover 2018. What an excellent year, living with all of you so close together, sharing your dander and your outbursts.
Let’s look at our GOALS for 2019. We will call it The Year of the Pet; where no one sheds, no one swears (Reggie) and no one spills anything.
Oh My God, I just realized how ridiculous this just sounds as I am typing it. I mean, seriously, I am talking about the Three Stooges here. Whatever.