Photo by Najib Kalil on Unsplash
I saw an attempted murder the other night and I didn’t report it. When you hear the circumstances, you will likely agree with my decision.
Bella, if you recall, is the black cat, THE HEIFER. This night she had her entire face in her dish, horking back some treats. This dish sits beside the cage of our parrot Reggie, who was quietly sitting on the cage door with little to nothing to do. He just kind of hangs around until he sees something that interests him and then he’ll get involved verbally or physically, whichever suits him.
Reggie is well aware of the cats and he calls them, yells at them, yells at us, swears, and just generally disrupts the household until he sees my shaking hands reaching for my meds. Once this has been accomplished, he pretty much settles down.
On this occasion, THE HEIFER was savoring the treats, I was sitting in the dining room chair watching, and that’s when I saw Reggie make a bee-line down the side of his cage, grab a beak-full of tin foil that lines the bottom of his enclosure, fling it at THE HEIFER and then make a second bee-line right back up to where he’d been.
In the meantime, the tin foil hit THE HEIFER on the head while she was in her treat induced trance with her face still in the dish, from which she jumped back and landed against the kitchen cabinet. She kind of looked around but what was there to see anyway? The bird was quietly sitting on his door, I was still sitting at the table and there was no one else around. So THE HEIFER just started to lick her paws like nothing happened.
But I wasn’t just sitting there staring straight ahead. My mind was yelling NO, WAIT. THAT WAS A CRIME. I SAW IT ALL. IT WAS REGGIE. HE DID IT. No one was interested in justice, retribution, revenge, a family feud, a nice vendetta, nothing. No sirens, no police cars rolled up to the door, I wasn’t asked to give a statement. It was over. THE HEIFER retreated to the couch to sleep it off, Reggie just sat there looking for another victim and I was robbed of my chance to testify in court and prove that justice triumphs over all. Plus, I would have needed new clothes and definitely new shoes for my court appearance. Sob.
IT GETS WORSE
A few days later, not long after The Tin Foil Incident, THE HEIFER was again sitting against the cabinet where she had originally landed after being assaulted by Reggie. The fuzzy cat Abby was laying on a fleece on the counter and without any warning (at least not to me), she got up and pushed a bag of candy close to the rim of the counter and then right off the edge. It landed about one inch to the side of THE HEIFER. In other words, SHE MISSED. THE HEIFER was oblivious to the new and more devious crime to which she had become victim and while I looked for any sign of complicity between Reggie and Abby, (a wink, a nod) I saw nothing.
This was getting serious. I’m not exactly trained in Crime Scene Clean-Up. And I believe I have mentioned before that Carcass Removal is not my first choice of ways to spend an evening. First you have to dig a hole. I don’t even know how to dig a hole. I guess I would need a shovel or something like that. Do they come in pink? Lavender, perhaps?
And more to the point, was MY life in danger? I don’t think so because I am in charge of everything and I am the only one who brings the treats and food home. I am sitting pretty good and have been for some time. But these are cats and a bird. Their combined brain size would equal a crab apple. Have they thought this through or will they just kill me and then two days later figure out that they made a big mistake.
And where does Bru stand in all of this? Maybe he’s the idea man. Maybe he’s the one who hired The Fuzzy One and The Beak to take out THE HEIFER, thereby throwing suspicion in a completely different direction and then when they do me in, it’ll look like I was collateral damage. Oh, he’s good. He’s really good.
I’ll bet he has me insured for like, $5000 or something like that. Bastard. I want a divorce.
I am totally taking THE HEIFER and we’re leaving town. But wait. I can’t.
Two near death misses. Black cat. She’s bad luck. I’m staying and she’s on her own.