(left) Old dining room chair – cat not included.
(middle) New slipcovers from new owners. Amazing.
(right) New dining room chairs – reviewed as HEAVY by Canada Post.
Bru and I have had the same dining room furniture for about 20 years. We use it for company so it is practically brand new. No one ever comes here, we don’t invite people over and we have just recently given out our address to our immediate families.
When I bought this set, it was on sale and the color of the six chair could be classified as ‘birdshit’. This suited me to a T because we had birds and they shat upon things without much forethought. The table was huge with a thick glass top and a wrought iron base.
I really loved this set and it worked well when we had a formal dining room. It just sat there like it was supposed to, never bothering anybody, never complaining, which is really all I ask from my furniture.
When we moved out to Strathmore, we didn’t get a formal dining room. We did get a large eating area just outside of the kitchen and the glass top table fit there okay, but there was a patio door that we used so the table had to be placed at an awkward angle to allow that access. So it wasn’t the best arrangement but it worked.
The six chairs couldn’t be put around the table because there just wasn’t enough room so they were placed strategically around the house. When Bru went into his wheelchair he didn’t need a chair anymore and I always used my office chair when I sat at the table, so we were really not using the dining set other than the oversize table sitting at an unusual angle.
Then a friend was over and announced that they had just bought a new home. I knew they were using a borrowed dining room set at their old place and offered to give her our big set if she wanted it. She did and the deal was made.
I went online and started looking at new dining room sets with smaller tables and less chairs. I found a table, glass top but it came alone. I looked for chairs but couldn’t find anything I liked in our price range. Did you know you can buy one single chair for $1000.00? Yeah, me neither. It’s a chair. A. Chair. For. A. Dining. Room. Table. I snorted and moved on.
I found chairs at Amazon and ordered four of them. They were reasonably priced, the reviews were great and I loved the design.
So my new stuff was winging its way toward Strathmore within minutes of me hitting the ENTER key on the computer. Our friend was willing to wait until everything arrived before she took the table from our place, which was great.
One week later the table arrived. Or should I say the base arrived. UPS delivered the package and when the guy brought it to the door I asked about the glass top. He said he didn’t have it. I even came out to the truck as he was getting ready to leave and asked again, saying that the base parcel was clearly marked as 1 of 2. Did he have the other piece in there? He said no, it would come tomorrow. Riiiggght.
He left, I unpacked the base, it was good and I put it aside.
The next day I waited for the glass tops – there were two actually – a full glass top and a glass shelf that hung underneath – kind of cool and gave it a bit more stability. Nothing – no UPS truck, no phone call, nothing. That was the Friday and deliveries were now over for the weekend.
I waited until Thursday before I called and started asking questions. No one knew anything. They would check. I called again on Friday. They would check. I called the company who shipped the table – they would start an INVESTIGATION. Good, let’s get a posse together and ride out – find that table top.
I called again on Monday morning and it appears that the INVESTIGATION had sort of fizzled and never really gotten underway. So they started a new INVESTIGATION. Yay. Now someone is going to get into big trouble because we have started an INVESTIGATION.
On Monday afternoon, the same guy who delivered the table base just turned up at the door with a big rectangle package – could it be the glass top? It didn’t even have my name or address on it – just the tracking number that I had come to know by heart.
I asked him where it had come from. He said it was ‘just on the truck’. Really. ‘Just on the truck.’ I asked him if it had been on the truck all this time. He said that he didn’t know – it was ‘just on the truck’ today. I asked him how he knew that it came here. He said that he checked the tracking number. I asked if he saw that there was an INVESTIGATION on that tracking number. He said that, no, he didn’t see that. This guy was so fishy I was in the fridge getting my tartar sauce.
So I uncuffed him, let him go and he peeled out of here and was gone.
The next day the couple who were taking our old set came over to put the table together for us. As the husband was opening the package he tells us that it has been re-wrapped. When we get it all open, we find that there is only one piece of glass in there – the big one. The shelf one is missing, but there are little pieces of glass in little squares at the bottom of the package. AND, there is some UPS cardboard INSIDE the package. How is that possible when the parcel was supposedly wrapped at the company? Tartar sauce and Seafood sauce please.
So right now I am in the process of trying to get in touch with someone from the company to get a replacement table top. I’ve left a message and they are very good with their customer service so I have no doubt that they will come through. More on this later.
THE CHAIRS. I ordered them from Amazon and I have Amazon Prime so they were delivered quickly. I just didn’t know it because they came by Canada Post and they didn’t come to the house, which would have been ridiculous because what company delivers right to the house? I only found out they had been delivered because they left two notices in my mailbox with one word written in black Jiffy Marker – HEAVY. That’s what it said. HEAVY.
No shit. Of course it’s heavy. Each box has two chairs in it. That’s why I’m not at some furniture company humping boxes out to my car. I. Want. Them. Delivered.
So our postal lady, who is 65 if she’s a day, made the command executive decision that SHE’S not lifting those boxes and bringing them to my door – no way – Judy Cole can come and get them. These are way too heavy for Canada Post to bring. We’ve done our part. We got them all the way to Strathmore. Now the customer can hire a couple of guys with a truck and get them home herself. Whew – thank God we thought of that, otherwise someone here at Canada Post could have strained something.
I went to the Post Office, saw my two big, heavy boxes and I lost my mind. Inwardly, of course, because if you lose your mind at Canada Post, ye shall lose your freedom, something I cherish very much. But I managed to get in about eight good verbal ‘Fucks’ when I was lifting the boxes into the car out in the alley. That felt good. And about five more when I got home and lifted them out later. That felt good too.
I stored the boxes in the living room. These chairs had to be put together and that was for another day. Why bother? I have some of a table and God knows what’s even in these heavy boxes. Probably some chairs that don’t even look anything like what I ordered. I was too mentally fragile to even open the box right now.
So I retired to my office to rest, drink coffee and smoke. That is something that I do well and it appeals to me. I’ll get this table thing cleared up, open the chair boxes and I’ll report back.
THIS JUST IN – UPDATE
I called the company and they were properly sympathetic. They were lovely about replacing the whole table top and jetting the package out right away. This was all underway on April 5, 2019. Estimated date of delivery – April 15, 2019. I shall dress for the occasion with a full complement of matching earrings and necklace.
The only time that I could feel the Customer Service Rep pulling away from me in the phone call is when I was telling her my theory of the UPS guy re-wrapping the package. But they are so polite that they have to sit there and listen to conspiracy stuff from their customers and that is just what she did. She let me tell my story of sabotage, spies, people lurking in my backyard with binoculars and footsteps on the roof. It was so much fun. I love Canadian Customer Service. They are so nice. In the States, they would let you get one line out and it would be WELL MA’AM, THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME FUCKING STORY. YOU MUST PUT THAT ALL DOWN IN AN EMAIL AND SEND IT TO US AT whogivesashit@us.com. We will respond promptly. Aanndd, goodbye. (click).
Why on earth would anyone shop in person when you can do all this stuff from home and have so much fun?
The friend that took the old table promptly bought chair covers that fit right over the ‘birdshit’ color and breathed new life into the whole set. She sent me a picture and the transformation is amazing as you can see above.