Photo Plumage – Blue and Fuscia
Bru and I moved our family of pets, the two of us and all of our stuff out to Strathmore in early 2008. You may have heard the commotion. Some of our stuff went into storage and the rest went into our place where I created a home for us all, just like they do in the movies.
My mom Clara hadn’t quite caught up with us yet as she was still living in a senior centre in Calgary and she wasn’t ready to leave yet. She was using a walker at the time but it was becoming harder for her to get around. I was just waiting for THE WORD and she could come out and take a spot in Assisted Living in Strathmore.
Bru was retired from the Police Service in Calgary and I was still working, but at the time I was at 3-1-1 for The City. I loved it there and really enjoyed my job.
However, there was still one minor bucket list item that I hadn’t scratched off and that was driving the Trans-Canada highway in a blizzard. I may have mentioned that to someone because I recall hearing a quiet yet booming voice from above say IS THAT SO?
A couple of days later, I was leaving work, completely unaware of the weather, the State of the Union and a host of other things, and I was walking across the big indoor loading dock that led to the door to the parking lot. It had been a nice day when I arrived and I had not given a second thought as to what was going on outside.
I grabbed the wide handle on the door, pushed it open and in some sort of alternate dimension where the snow was actually in some form of twister, I was attacked in the open doorway by a swirling, evil mass of snow, meant just for me. I was covered head to foot in white flakes, ice and pellets, and just as I realized what had happened, the door slammed shut, leaving me standing inside on the loading dock, alone.
Any intelligent human being who may have walked by right then would have seen a stunning woman walking toward the door, heard a soft click as the door opened, the sound of a freight train, a glimpse of the Virgin Mary, more sounds of a skirmish where I disappeared from view, and the final slamming of the door. Next they would have seen me covered in snow from head to foot, my hair, face, front of my clothing, back of my clothing, and so on. If someone had casually stuck a carrot where my nose should have been, I would have just left it there.
That was my first glimpse of the trip ahead of me to get home that day.
The vehicle I had been heading for was a Ford Escape, which I had nicknamed Kanta Ford. It was new and pretty rugged so my goal now was to get to the vehicle, which seemed to be my only chance for survival. I remote started the Ford from inside, made my way out, found it, got in and took stock. It was already running but the heater hadn’t been turned on by whatever moron drove it to work that day. Because of that, the windshield was still frozen and covered in icy snow.
I turned on the heat, turned on the defroster and then got out to scrape the other windows – there are 73 of them on this particular model. I had on my little loafer shoes and the snow was actually up to my knees, so I may have gotten my feet wet and cold. But there is good news here too. My big winter boots were in the vehicle and they stayed nice and dry.
Everything in the vehicle smelled like the wet version of itself. I turned on all the gizmos full blast now, got the heater going even hotter, settled in and decided it was now or never for my first trip on the highway to get home.
Note: If this was all happening at home, I would have cheerfully called in to work to say that I couldn’t possibly drive in this weather and I would be staying in for the day.
I started driving out of the city, talking on the phone to Bru and thinking that it wasn’t too bad really. Then I got out into the country and I clearly heard the wind say THERE SHE IS or something like that. From that point on, I did not see more than 10 feet in front of my vehicle for the next 90 minutes. My thought process was that I could always stop in Chestermere and take a room or barring that, have a realtor show me a vacant house and then tell him that I would like to stay and see how the house looks when it gets dark. Then I would sleep there and in the morning, be on my way. Theoretically, this was a scathingly brilliant idea in its simplicity. Realistically, it was insane.
I got to Chestermere and decided that I was going to keep going. Hell, I had already chewed up 9 KM of my 42 KM drive. I was in the zone. So I kept on going. I found a van with his flashers on and he was going about 40 KM/H and that looked just about right to me, so I socked in behind him. Whenever anyone got close behind me I could say HEY, IT’S NOT MY FAULT. IT’S THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME DOING 40 KM. THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO.
I put my flashers on too because they don’t get used that much and I heard that taking stuff out on the highway is good, so I thought the flashers could get a little workout and something about carbon. So they were flashing and I was behind my van and I started to notice that a lot of cars were driving behind me and they had their flashers on too. I thought that maybe I had started a trend and I was feeling pretty good about all that.
It wasn’t such a bad day after all. I was glancing around and thinking that snow was really rather quite beauti… MOTHERFORKER…the van in front of me just hit the brakes and I put the Kanta Ford into neutral and hit the brakes, but it slid anyway and then I realized that not only was I in a whiteout, but the highway was pure FORKING ice. But by now I was past Chestermere and I think I may have made an I DON’T NEED YOU gesture as I drove by – or something like that, so going back was no longer an option. It was the principal.
Now I had to keep my eye on the van in front of me for two reasons – his flashers were ALL I could see and, from what I had just witnessed, he was the type of person who would just slam his brakes on whenever he wanted to slow down. I know, right?
So I hunched over and lit another cigarette, and I got smoke in my eye because I already had a cigarette in my mouth, so now I had two. I smoked them both, drank water, watched the van, looked in my rear view mirror, smoked, drank, van, mirror…you get the point.
Then I saw a landmark that was both familiar and visible. It was the overpass to Langdon. This was great because it showed me that I was making progress and also, I was going in the right direction. But then something horrible happened. The van that I was following TURNED OFF to Langdon. I figure he must have been tired of leading the rest of us east through Alberta and he likely wasn’t being paid any extra for his efforts so he just said FORK IT and took the first turnoff he could. I was horrified and practically in tears because now I was the lead vehicle and I had no flashers ahead of me to follow – just snow and nothing… I just had a whole line of vehicles following me and my little flashers.
Please little van, come back. You can slam on your brakes anytime you want. Just bring your little flashers and come back to me.
Then I spotted a huge semi flying up behind me in the next lane and I just started shouting ARE YOU FORKING KIDDING ME? Me and my posse who were driving behind me had just seen a semi in the ditch and for every vehicle on the road there was one OFF the road. For all I know, these vehicles had little skeletons in them, from people who had been DRIVING TOO FAST earlier. But I digress.
The semi blows by and it’s the same company as the one in the ditch, so I started to imagine that the stupid asshole driver that put the truck in the ditch was now the passenger in this new, even faster semi and the driver of this one was showing the other one how to drive fast and NOT run off the road.
Of course, he had to put me and my posse in danger to make his point. So now I hated him too – oh, and his passenger. I was still mad at the van who went to Langdon and now I hated this semi driver and his jackass buddy – my eye still hurt from the smoke and I burned my finger by putting out two cigarettes in the ashtray at the same time. My water had ice in it, which was okay because it was nice and cold but I started to think that maybe I would choke on the ice and die that way, which was kind of like dying of dysentery at boot camp. I can see the headlines – WOMAN SURVIVES BLIZZARD THEN CHOKES ON ICE FROM WATER BOTTLE. Sounds about right for me.
All the while my posse was faithfully following my flashers as I led them to safety. My thoughts shifted to my responsibilities here – these people were depending on me. I was the official Pace Car, if you will. They needed me to get them to the next town, to civilization. If they were going to make it through this blizzard, the only way was to follow the red Kanta Ford all the way to Strathmore. And, I wasn’t going to let them down by turning off to Langdon like some quitter. I was in it for the long haul – all the way. Nobody was paying me for this – I was giving myself to these people and I had to stay focused and get us there.
The car directly behind me was a BMW and he had been back there since Calgary. I suspected that by now he wanted to know more about ME; who was this incredible woman driving this beautiful red Ford. He was probably thinking that he had made a terrible mistake buying a BMW and when he finally got somewhere, anywhere, he was going to trade this in on an Escape. Nothing but the best. I realized that he was probably going to want to meet me, so I figured we’d pull off at the ESSO station in Strathmore. He probably wanted to thank me and likely there would be hugs. I must remember to put on some lipstick before we get there.
I wondered how many other drivers in the line behind me would want to stop to meet me. Probably all of them. I’d have to make sure that we pulled off by the Humptey’s so there was lots of parking. Maybe they would buy me dinner – I was hungry now – I figured I’d have the 3 egg omelette with sausages and white toast. I mustn’t stay too late and if they want to take pictures I would have to make sure my hair looked nice.
I started to feel a tear in my eye for all of my new friends and I looked in my rear view mirror to see my BMW right there where he had been for the past 90 minutes. What a great bunch of guys back there! I really loved them a lot for being so good to me. I couldn’t believe we were finally all going to meet. My hand started feeling around in my purse for my make-up and comb.
Then I saw the sign that said Strathmore 2 KMS and I thought – we’re almost there and I grabbed my lipstick. As I glanced in my mirror, I watched my BMW pull out and into the other lane and HE PASSED ME. HE FORKING PASSED ME. I tried to look into the car when he went by but there was too much snow on his window. He kept going in the other lane and as we reached the town limits and reduced our speed, he was gone. All of the other guys behind me passed me too, like I was in the way – no one waved or blinked their lights. Hmmm, maybe they didn’t recognize me or maybe they didn’t want to bother me – their leader. They were probably shy and thought that I do this all the time and didn’t have time to stop and meet them for dinner. That’s why they all drove away so fast. It was out of respect for ME.
In the meantime, I was talking to Bru on the phone and I pulled into the parking lot of the Wheatland Inn. I told him that I made it and that my hands were shaking. I didn’t mention my posse because I still hadn’t fully processed their behavior yet. He said to go inside and get a drink and play the machines for a bit. I thought that sounded like an outstanding idea.
I walked into the lounge and straight up to the bar. I asked if they had bourbon. The Bar-Keep didn’t know what that was. This is the kind of place I hang out and I’m rather proud of it. So I asked for a shot of rye. She knew about that (it was probably on the final exam at Bartender school) and she handed it to me. I swallowed the shot and then turned to the bar flies – the guys sitting at the bar. I announced that I had just driven from Calgary in my first blizzard. Each of them solemnly wrung my hand and congratulated me on making the trip.
One guy mentioned he had been back and forth to Calgary four times that day and the weather hadn’t let up once for him either. Oh. Well, it was definitely snowing more in my lane.
So I stayed for a little while to let the effects of my shot of rye wear off and then I went home. I reported everything to Bru, who was properly proud of me and enthusiastic that I had undertaken such a dangerous mission and saved so many lives.
I went to bed that night thinking that my news friends on the road may not have stopped for hugs, but somewhere out there they were telling this exact same story to their friends and family.