Photo by Roman Kraft – UNSPLASH
One of the funniest television show plots I have ever seen was on Life in Pieces when they did a show on DNA.
The Great-Grandmother, no longer alive, named Wandy, was a legend in that she had met her husband on the ship coming over from Europe.
She couldn’t walk and he had loved her so much that he carried her off the boat and waited 15 years to marry her until she could walk on her own. Her father had objected to the union. They finally married and went on to have a family and the descendants were now having their DNA done to trace their full ancestry.
When the DNA results came back, the family gathered while they went over the paperwork. The matriarch was dressed in the family tartan to celebrate the event and the granddaughter was dressed in a costume to represent the other side of the family.
The daughter started to read over the literature and the family tree that had come along with the kit, and she was studying the dates that everyone was born. As she looked everything over, she called a halt to the celebration because the paperwork showed that Wandy was actually an infant when she was carried off the ship, which explained why she couldn’t walk, her husband-to-be was actually her father’s brother, which explained why he was opposed to the marriage, and the 15 year wait for them to be married was so Wandy could grow up to be 15 years old and marry her Uncle.
The family was horrified, the matriarch was in denial and said that NO, SHE WAS CRIPPLED AND HE LOOKED AFTER HER UNTIL SHE COULD WALK AGAIN AND THEN THEY GOT MARRIED, the sons and daughters-in-law were doubled over laughing, and the party was over.
It was awesome.
I’ve looked at a couple of You Tube videos of people that have sent in their DNA and had completely different results come back than they were expecting. One woman, in her 50’s, is the youngest of five children and was researching the family tree. The kids all chipped in to get her a DNA test and when it came back, she found out that her dad was not her biological father. It was her mom’s boss from the 60’s. She had two half-sisters living in the same town for all those years that she eventually connected with. Her parents and her biological father were all dead so there was no one to ask about how this all came about.
All of the family secrets that have gone to the graves with all of these people are rising up to greet this new generation who are spitting and mailing with glee. Most people are thrilled with their results and the lineage they provide. Some, not so much. There are stories all over the Internet where people are finding out they are not biologically related to one or both parents. So much so, that there is actually a support group with over 3000 members called Not Parent Expected.
I watched another video where a young black girl put her DNA though an African ancestry group because they could narrow her lineage right down to her original tribe. She opened her results on camera and she had NO African ancestry – on her mother’s side, which is what she traced. Her mother’s ancestors were white, and her great-great grandmother partnered with a black man and so began the lineage of black ancestors until it got down to her. She was really traumatized, which I thought was an interesting reaction. So not only is DNA telling us that we aren’t related to our relatives anymore, it’s telling us that we are no longer the race we thought we were either. Hmmm.
We have a friend who just did his DNA. Turns out he has a first cousin in the States. They connected briefly, he got some of the facts and then called his mom. He said to her GRANDPA HAD A CHILD THAT WENT UP FOR ADOPTION. The mother said she knew – it was a boy. My friend said NO, IT’S A GIRL.
Can of worms. Can opener.
No one knew about the girl. The cousin in the States is descended from the female child, born while Gramps was married with kids of his own.
So Bru and I have DNA tests sitting here on the counter. We got them before Christmas and he wants me to get them done and mail them off. I do too, but I am just not in the mood to meet a half-sibling right now; on either side of our families. It means I would probably have to shave my legs and get a decent haircut. Aaah, but I could also get new shoes. Hmmm.
I’m not too worried about our moms. Clara, my mom, assures me that she has no children running around out there, unaccounted for. I wagged my finger at her to make her talk, and she sang like a canary so I feel pretty good about her answer. This was just last week and she’s 93, so we are pretty up to date on her birth record.
Bru’s mom, Elizabeth, who is no longer with us, was a pretty good looking gal but she wasn’t the type either.
But those boys. Both of our dads were in the military and both of them were pretty good looking guys. My dad wasn’t in the war; he was a career military man. He has long since passed away so I can’t interview him for any secrets.
Bru’s dad was in the war. He was just a kid and fought overseas. He has also passed away so the only way I’ll get anything out of him is a séance.
So there is my dilemma. Right now, we each have amazing siblings who have amazing children who have amazing children of their own. I am down to sending e-cards to these guys. The last thing I need right now is for Bru to spit in a tube and some guy named Sven to pop up somewhere in Europe going JAH, VE ARE RELATED? I TAKE THE NEXT PLANE, OKIE?
My dad had a bit of a life in Calgary before he married my mom. Is there going to be some high-foreheaded person coming up on my ancestry DNA response, clocking in at around 67 years old going OH MY GOD, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GET TOGETHER RIGHT AWAY. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY AND ALL THEIR KIDS AND THEIR KIDS TOO. WE’LL DO BRUNCH EVERY SUNDAY – YOUR PLACE FIRST. SEE YOU THEN.
Sweet Onion Chutney.
To spit or not to spit.
THIS JUST IN – I usually read all of my blog entries out loud to Bru before I post them. He is the voice of reason around here and I listen carefully to what he has to say. Then I usually just post them anyway. So after reading this one he tells me he is really hoping for a scandal on his side of the family.
I did not know that. When he was telling me this, he looked like he was about 4 years old and had just been invited to a birthday party. With balloons, hotdogs and cake.
There is some shady stuff from his family tree – a branch that is hanging kind of low from his dad’s side back in England – someone had to leave the country in a hurry – talk of a church burning down with all the birth records – he likely hopped a freighter and hid out – probably had the crown jewels sewn into his hem.
THAT is what will happen to us over this whole DNA thing. We will be the first couple to be arrested for the crimes of our ancestors. Great. They will haul us back to England and hang us for some bullshit that Bru’s great-grandfather did.
I wonder if I should wear a hat – they do that over there at all the weddings. Why not a sanctioned hanging? If I pin my little hat in my hair tight enough, it won’t even come off when the rope snaps. As long as the hanging is before 5:00 PM. After 5 and it’s considered gauche to wear anything on your head. Except a noose, I suppose.
I would like to state, for the record, that none of this was revealed to me until after Bru and I were married.
AND, it turns out that his mother’s side of the family absconded from Russia sometime in the late 1800s. Kowalchuk. Bru thinks there might be royalty there. I told him that they had offed most of the Royal Family back then and they may be looking to tie up some loose ends.
He just looked at me and blinked.
Then I offered to buy him a uniform off the Internet. Something real fancy, befitting Russian Royalty. Gold cords and tassels – that kind of thing. Matching hat.
He doesn’t care about the uniform but he does want a State Funeral and he wants to be buried with his ‘people’ in the Royal Crypt back home in Russia.
Sigh. To spit or not to spit.
I can totally see you wearing a exquisite fascinator hat, embellished with some of reggie’s feathers!
Hey Natz. That’s a good idea. We’ll just pluck him here and there. He’ll never know. I have an update to the great DNA saga that I’ll be posting today. It only gets better.