DNA Kit Image From the Internet (where else, hmmm?)
Bru got his DNA results back from the lab and tragically, there is no Russian Royalty lurking in his past. Gone are the Faberge eggs. Gone is the castle in Russia. Gone are his dreams of playing with the Family Jewels.
On the upside, he doesn’t have any crazy siblings running around looking for their family, so, another bullet dodged there. But that is for now. Bru’s DNA is now sitting on the website for anyone to compare so it’s really just a ticking time-bomb.
The closest relative match is a 2-3rd cousin in the States somewhere and they have a Family Tree on Ancestry but it’s PRIVATE. Ironically I found myself vaguely offended by that as it appears they don’t want to find US. The nerve.
We are nice people. They would be lucky to have us. It’s not like we have three dogs living under our front porch or a truck engine swinging from a chain in the front yard. Why, I have my hair cut professionally and Bru has all of his teeth. Maybe I’ll reach out.
So, in the meantime, Bru was looking over his results a little more closely and he saw the British lineage that he already knew about. It was that great-grandfather thing where he left England with his wife under mysterious circumstances just after the local church (with all of the records) burned down. Then, years later, after great-grandma died stateside, great-grandpa returned to England to take up his dodgy ways.
So this is the conversation that Bruce and I had after he read that little bit and more:
BRU: Hey, some of MY relatives went from England to Australia.
ME: Do you know why?
BRU: Gold. They were searching for Gold.
ME: No, they weren’t searching for Gold. They were criminals.
BRU: What?
ME: Yes, England shipped out their criminals to Australia to start penal colonies. What year does it say that they left England to ‘go look for Gold’?
BRU: 1825
ME: Let me look it up for sure.
ME: DEAR GOOGLIE:
WHY DID ENGLISH PEOPLE GO TO AUSTRALIA?
This was because many of the first settlers were criminals. Britain would sometimes send their criminals to the penal colony rather than jail. … Six colonies were formed in Australia: New South Wales, 1788; Tasmania, 1825; Western Australia, 1829; South Australia, 1836; Victoria, 1851; and Queensland, 1859.
BRU: Thieves and Whores. My family is Thieves and Whores.
ME: Do you still want me to order the Russian Uniform?
BRU: (Voice of a 5 year old who broke his toy) No.
ME: Do you want me to still try to get you buried in the Royal Crypt?
BRU: No.
ME: Would you like some cookies with milk?
BRU: Yes, please.
This is a 62 year old man.
So there you have it. DNA. Stands for Dun No Anything.
And there is still the question of MY DNA kit. Yeah, what happened to that, you ask?
Well, sit back and get comfy.
After horking up my DNA and sending it off to Ireland at the same time as Bru, I had received the email that my tests were UNDERWAY and all was well with the world. They promised that soon I would know where my relatives came from (I already know that) and they further promised they would find even MORE relatives to complement the ones I already have. Oh joy.
When Bru got his results and mine didn’t come, he began asking some pressing questions.
Like, Did You Hear From Ancestry? NO, I Did Not Hear Yet.
Then, Did You Hear From Ancestry? NO, I Did Not Hear Yet.
And, Did You Hear From Ancestry? NO, I Did Not Hear Yet.
So then Bru decided that I HAD heard and they found a sibling and I was hiding the results. I talked old Sherlock down from that theory and just said I hadn’t heard, which was true.
Finally, on March 09, 2019 I received an email from Ancestry telling me this:
Unfortunately, after multiple attempts, we were unable to use the sample you sent to AncestryDNA®. This can be resolved by submitting a new one. Just click the button below, and we’ll send you a free replacement test.
One of my friends at work says “OR IN OTHER WORDS, THEY DROPPED IT.” Makes sense. The samples did go to Ireland and there are quite a few pubs there. I can say that because my maiden name is O’Byrne. I genetically know this.
And now, today, my new kit has arrived. It’s bigger than my last one so I don’t know if I am going to have to perform a colonoscopy on myself or if it’s just going to be the same saliva thing. I haven’t opened it yet because, hmmm, I still haven’t gotten on board yet. I have more fun things to do anyway, like clean the litterbox.
So that is where we are tying this bag off – Bru is a thief and a whore. I have dodgy DNA and have to re-submit from some orifice, unknown at this time.
Gee, stay tuned.