Years ago, when a circus came to town, kids came from miles around to watch them put everything together. The Bigtop tent went up along with a bunch of other stuff and it was probably a pretty good show. Likely the kids were just hoping for some kind of disaster where a lion got out of a cage and ate somebody. They didn’t have the Internet back then and had to rely on seeing it themselves. Seems uncivilized to me.
A similar incident of construction took place at old 245 this past winter. I decided it was time to build a glass-door cabinet that I bought and I started the festivities by spreading a large quilt out over the hardwood floor in the living room.
This was new behaviour on my part and Reggie instantly perked up and wanted a better look. So I grabbed him and his portable perch and set him up on a table in the corner of the livingroom where he had a perfect view and could make all of the comments he wanted.
Once the pieces were out of the box and laid on the quilt, the box was deemed empty, and that was the cue for THE HEIFER to make her way into the room and occupy this new and mysterious container. Abby wasn’t far behind but she had to wait her turn because once THE HEIFER takes up residence in anything, there is no room for anyone else.
If you have never had a cat, I will educate you now that whenever something new and boxed comes into the house, and once the contents are removed, the box becomes the new home for the cat. They will sit in it, lay in it, wash in it, fall into a coma in it and will claim it as their own until they are distracted by something else. This entire Broadway Show can open and close in the space of 4 minutes.
So with Reggie watching my every move and THE HEIFER trying out her new box, I began to put together my cabinet. The instructions were clear, all of the pieces were accounted for, I had the necessary tools and with all of that in hand, the first thing I realized is that I needed a nap. I think it was the effect of sitting on the quilt. It was throwing off some sort of nappy pheromones or something. All I could think about was cuddling under it on the couch.
Tragically, my reputation was at stake since Bru had already seen me spread everything over the livingroom and with the box taken over as THE HEIFER’s new home, I was committed to this project. I shall learn from this mistake and not trash talk so much next time.
I connected A to B, C to H, and saw that things were squaring up quite nicely. Reggie kept up a constant barrage from his perch; WHAT ARE YOU DOING…CHICKEN IN YOUR BUM…WHERE’S BELLA… JE-SUHS CHRIST…NAPS.
What did he say? Naps? Yes, Naps. What a fine idea. The quilt was just pumping out those nappy things by now. I had been at this for almost 30 minutes. I was exhausted and my fingers were dirty because these people that packaged this stuff didn’t bother to clean it before they put it in the box.
This seemed like a good time to take a break, wash my hands and check the Internet to see why furniture doesn’t come fully assembled. Inquiring minds want to know. Besides, if I kept sitting on the floor like this, I could break a hip.
I left the construction site and sat down at the computer, grabbing my cold coffee and a cigarette. I must really find out about this unassembled furniture thing. Why am I doing all the work? For all I know, I’m breathing in some toxins every time I turn a screw. Now that I think of it, I have been feeling rather light-headed since I started this project. I’ll bet it’s the toxins. I blew the smoke out of my lungs, took another drag of my cigarette and a sip of coffee. Yup. Toxins from the wood and paint.
I turned to the computer and started with You Tube for my research. They’re usually pretty good. I began typing in ‘unassembled furnit’ when something caught my eye. PYTHON SWALLOWS CROCODILE. Really? Click. The snake really did swallow a crocodile and I think they both had regrets at the end. So did the camera guy. That was a long day. Then I thought about what kind of other stuff a python would swallow so I checked that out. Yuck. Who knew?
From there I surfed over to Wedding Disasters. Let’s have an outdoor wedding in Texas on the edge of the Gulf of Mexico in Hurricane season. It will be fine. Morons.
Checked out some funny animal clips; oh Buttermilk the goat. Hahahaha.
C-17 Military Plane Lands at Small Commuter Airport. Loved that one. The takeoff was even better.
18 Things You Have Been Doing Wrong. Only 18?
Security Camera Catches. Love these!
12 Stars Who Can’t Work Together. I knew it! You could see it in that last movie. Hah!
Could You Handle a Trauma Scene Clean-up? Nope. Can’t even build a cabinet in my own living room.
Another hour had passed by and I am shocked at how many people have found secret rooms in their houses, stuff buried in their backyards, and what they say to 911 operators.
However, back at 245, the bird is still talking and THE HEIFER has abandoned her new cardboard home for the comfy bed. I figure I’d better get back in there and finish what I started.
Once again sitting on the quilted floor and I attach the Hip Bone to the Neck Bone, a few more pieces and voila, the cabinet is complete. It is stunning. The doors close like they are supposed to, it doesn’t wobble and we’re good to go. I slap some felt pieces on the legs, push it over against the wall, pack everything back into the box for garbage day, put Reggie back on his cage and now all that is left is the magic quilt on the floor.
What to do with that. I place one end around my shoulders, lay gently on the couch, and wrap myself up in a perfect napping position for the rest of the day.
Then I hear a small pinging sound and look down to see one lone screw that just landed on the floor…Wonder where that was supposed to go. Rats.