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Over the years I have worked in a number of office settings and there have been a few incidents here and there where I may not have appeared as professional as I would have liked.
As I am not getting any younger, I feel now is a good time to confess and get these instances off my chest so that I may go on to live a cleaner, better life from here.
THE 80’s
1. I was working in the front counter area of a police district office. My desk faced the front of the administration area where the public came in to report accidents, etc. The entire side wall was made up of windows overlooking the parking lot, also for the public.
This one morning I was working quietly when a vehicle drove into the parking lot and pulled into a stall. A man got out and came into the public area. He stood at the counter speaking with our office constable for a few seconds when out of the corner of my eye I noticed that his car was rolling backwards and was going to hit the building.
I jumped out of my chair and screamed at the top of my lungs YOUR CAR IS ROLLING BACK, YOUR CAR IS ROLLING BACK. If I recall, I jumped in the air a couple of times too.
Just as I was landing from my second jumping jack, and officers were spilling into the area from the back, I noticed that there was a driver in the vehicle.
It would appear that the man had gotten a ride to the parking lot, and his wife was now heading out to do a few errands while he did some business with the police.
Our front counter constable, who knew me well, didn’t even really bother to turn all the way around to look at me. He just kind of raised his arm and gazed at me from under his armpit, a fitting tribute, really, because I would have been upside down to him, likely exactly where I should have been.
2. In the same office set-up, same desk and so forth, I had truly had a reputation for being quite professional in my dealings with the public, whether they came into the counter in person or on the telephone. I really enjoyed being able to solve problems and help anyone out with getting their paperwork completed and having them on their way.
However, I received a call from a woman one afternoon and she had saved up every drop of venom and evil for this phone call that landed on my desk. She had received a parking ticket and she was literally spitting into the phone with anger and using the term ‘you’ more than I found welcome.
For some reason, I snapped. It was like a 1X girdle on a 3X ass. Every seam in me just gave way at the same time and I started talking in a voice I didn’t know I had – NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME LADY – YOU SAID YOU GOT YOUR PARKING TICKET ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 11:30 PM – WELL ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 11:30 PM I WAS IN BED SLEEPING BECAUSE I HAD TO WORK ON THURSDAY MORNING SO YOU CAN STOP YELLING AT ME BECAUSE I DIDN’T GIVE YOU THAT TICKET AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE. SECONDLY, IF YOU GOT A PARKING TICKET, THEN WHOEVER GAVE IT TO YOU DOESN’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE EITHER BECAUSE THEY PUT THE TICKET ON THE CAR, NOT ON YOU. IF YOU WANT TO PURSUE THE TICKET BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU HAVE BEEN TREATED UNFAIRLY THEN YOU CAN READ THE TICKET BECAUSE IT TELLS YOU EXACTLY WHAT TO DO IN THAT VERY CASE. YOU DON’T JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE POLICE AND SCREAM AT THE FIRST PERSON WHO ANSWERS. AM I CLEAR? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO GOT A PARKING TICKET CALLED HERE TO MY DESK AND SCREAMED LIKE YOU JUST DID?
So she had a bit more to say but she did get the gist of what I was saying, but the interesting part was that when I looked up, there had to be about 11 uniform officers standing in the front area watching me because they could hear me all the way from the back and they couldn’t believe that I had raised my voice on the phone.
They stayed until I was done, like they were protecting me or would take over the call if I needed them, or maybe they would just shoot the phone if necessary. Remember, this was the 80’s. We had no laws back then.
When everything settled down, they all asked if I was okay and was I good, and I assured them I was fine, so they went back to their reports. It was nice, just knowing.
3. My mom, Clara, bought me a new blazer and I wore it to work at the District Office. I was upstairs in the lunch room, making coffee in the big urn-ey thing and one of our court officers was sitting at a table in the far corner. The room was full of officers, and I was kind of shy and trying not to draw attention to myself. I was putting the lid on the machine and the court officer, Whitey, had a really loud voice and he yells – JUDY. JUDY. The room goes from a murmur to almost dead silence. Whitey gives it another go. JUDY. I look over, my eyes begging him to stop and he says – THERE’S A PRICE TAG HANGING FROM UNDER YOUR ARM.
THE 90’s
1. I was with a co-worker downtown and we got on an elevator that served the back area of the building. It was only for 3 floors and no one had gotten off. As we stepped on we immediately knew that someone had just left behind the fart of the century. I have two brothers. I come from experience here. This was so awful that we actually jumped off and debated even getting back on the elevator but we had to get back to work so we stepped on and pressed Main.
The elevator was slow and we were dying and when it finally arrived, nothing had changed inside the car. The fart had become a living and breathing thing – it had gathered strength and momentum. We couldn’t wait to get off, burn our clothes and leave that part of our lives behind us.
The door opened and standing there was a class of Recruits – all cute, all young and every one of them about to get on this elevator where the only 2 possible suspects who could have possibly conjured up that intoxicating smell exited before their very eyes. Yup.
THE 2000’s
1. There was an alley behind the Police Station downtown that served for officers to bring in their arrests along with a place for the Media to interview ranking officers if the setting was right.
As a smoker, I sometimes went out into this alley to have a cigarette and often didn’t look at what was ahead of me when I walked out. One winter night I walked straight outside and landed directly behind a police member being interviewed by the press. My portion of the interview would have gone something like this: Crazy looking woman appears at right shoulder of police spokesperson while on camera. Crazy woman realizes what is going on and face turns to horror. Crazy woman turns and runs back to door, which is locked. Crazy woman forgets she has a keycard to swipe to open the door. Crazy woman pulls on door handle like Fred Flintstone when he is locked out by the cat, yelling WILMAAAA. Crazy woman finally realizes she has keycard and gets in door, disappearing around a corner, never to be seen again, except for the 6:00, 9:00 and 11:00 news and then eventually on YOUTUBE, I’m sure.
I don’t know if I ever made it on TV but I did lay low for a couple of days.
NON WORK RELATED
Now why would I stop here?
1. Bru had an appointment at the Tom Baker so I got him settled in the waiting room and I made my way to the washroom. I had finished up and I was just putting on some scathingly gorgeous lipstick in the mirror when the door opened and a guy walked in. I turned around and we both looked at each other in complete surprise. Then I looked at the wall to the left. I said to him – WHEN DID THEY PUT A URINAL IN THE WOMEN’S WASHROOM? He said – THEY DIDN’T. So I said – WELL THEN I’M JUST GOING TO GO. And I left.
2. I have this long black sweater that I love to wear because it’s loose and it hides all kinds of stuff. It’s an outdoor sweater so it’s perfect for about 9 months of Alberta weather.
One day I had been running errands all over Strathmore, here and there, with my final stop being Wal-Mart. Just as I was leaving the store, the Greeter, a really nice woman, said to me – I REALLY LIKE YOUR SWEATER. I said – THANKS, I THINK I GOT IT AT PENNINGTONS. And then she says – I KNOW. I CAN SEE IT ON THE TAG. YOU HAVE IT ON INSIDE OUT. Ha-ha-ha. That was so excellent. All day. Inside out.
3. I was walking along the public sidewalk on 7 Avenue SE to Police Headquarters, as the C-Trains went back and forth on both sides of the street. The cars were full, the sun was shining and I had on my new magnetic sunglasses that snapped right on to my prescription glasses. I was wearing all matching stuff, and I had on wedgie sandals, so I was easily something to behold. My hair felt long, very long and I think I was making gestures of tossing it over my shoulders when I may have actually been sporting a pixie cut.
As I strutted up the sidewalk, another crowded train came by and I was thinking to myself – I AM A CAT – I AM BEAUTIFUL – LOOK AT ME…then my right sandal sort of tipped to the right without going all the way over, so I did a hard stumble but didn’t go down. Textbook Sandal Betrayal. Yes. Cat indeed. I also cancelled my plans to purchase the matching beret.