Photo by Toa Heftiba of UnSplash
There has been a small update to our DNA tests and while it is worthy of one line here in my Blog, I will bet you $10 bucks I can spin this into a two page pile of bullshit before your very eyes. Guaranteed.
Watch this.
On January 16, 2019, which was our Anniversary, I might add, I received an email that had a subject line of this:
FWD: POSSIBLE RECORD MATCHES IN JUDY’S FAMILY TREE
My heart stopped beating and I went into panic mode. They found a stinking sibling from my DNA test and now I was going to have to host a Brunch. Are you kidding me?
I didn’t even open the email – that is how profoundly this affected me. I damned Bru to hell but he’s on a one-way ticket there anyway and one day I’ll tell you why. It’s not just him. We’re both going. And maybe some of the pets.
So I finally opened the email and it was nothing more than an update to our Family Tree on Ancestry. Then I realized that it had come to Bru’s email and he had forwarded it to me. Hah. Hahahahahaha. Wipe sweat from many dark places. Okay, this is fine. I can work with this. The relative that someone added is a relative I knew about anyway. Yay. Click and the email is closed.
Then, on January 20, 2019, not our Anniversary but I’m sure an important day to someone out there, Bru received an email saying:
WE’VE RECEIVED YOUR ANCESTRYDNA SAMPLE
He was very excited and he forwarded the email to me.
It says:
Thanks for sending in your DNA sample.
Your DNA results will likely take 6-8 weeks but due to high demand they may take longer.
So what’s next?
Your sample is in queue to be processed, and we’ll let you know once we start extracting and analyzing your DNA.
In the meantime, you can work on your family tree to increase the chances of getting as many DNA connections as possible.
Click here to LEARN ABOUT OUR LAB.
That is the email that Bru got.
I checked my email but there was nothing for me. I checked my Junk Mail and there was nothing there either. Bru checked his again and his Junk, just in case and Bupkus.
It is now January 22, 2019 and I still haven’t even gotten the courtesy email telling me they got my sample. What am I – chopped liver? I don’t even know what that expression means but it seemed to go well here.
I mailed our samples together in the same mailbox and they went to Ireland together.
So here is my theory about what is happening right about now. Bru’s sample is being analyzed and he is going to be some Russian Royalty just at the time that they are looking for an heir. He will inherit all of the Faberge Eggs, which are really cool, and he won’t let me play with any of them.
In the meantime, my sample has fallen off of the scurvy barge that was transporting our samples to Ireland and it floated to some secret island where some guy with thick glasses is doing experiments with all kinds of stuff. Then my innocent DNA just floated up on the beach, sitting there in a little box marked DNA. What evil island guy wouldn’t want to get his hands on that?
So he takes my little tube back to his lab and he CLONES me. He had been waiting for just the right opportunity for some random DNA to drop into his lap and BOOM, there it was.
So rather than just clone one, he decided to make 10 of me, not knowing what he is going to get. Is it male or female? Young or old? Beautiful or regular? Smart or average?
Now, back in Strathmore, I, who never wanted to do the stupid test in the first place, am now phoning Ireland every 5 minutes demanding to speak to a Supervisor but he’s at the Pub. I have still not received my first email and Bru is already packing for Russia and he has even tossed in the uniform I ordered off the Internet, with the matching hat. I’ve included a picture here for your viewing pleasure.
In the meantime, the evil island guy is almost ready to unveil his 10 creations to see what he finally got from that one DNA sample and as he pulls back the covers, he sees 10 of ME!!! Only we can’t see him because no one sent along our glasses.
So there are 10 Judys who can’t see shit, walking around naked on this island and here is what each of them are saying to the island guy:
Clone 1 – Where are my glasses – I can’t see shit?
Clone 2 – Is that you Bru – did you feed the cats?
Clone 3 – Where are my earrings?
Clone 4 – Why am I naked?
Clone 5 – So, what is there to eat?
Clone 6 – Where is the bathroom?
Clone 7 – Where is the bathroom?
Clone 8 – Where is the bathroom?
Clone 9 – Where is my girdle?
Clone 10 – I need to go – I have to get to work.
And it took about 2 days of this before the island guy walked into the sea and never came out. There was no word on what became of the clones, but they were not missed as the original Judy survived and was still in Strathmore.
Bru went on to claim his Royal Status in Russia and I joined him; we lived for many years in the castle, playing with the Family Jewels.
So there you have it – two pages of bullshit – Guaranteed.
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE
Soooo, I just checked through my email again and it turns out I got my DNA email on January 19, 2019, one day before Bru. Oops.
Tragically there will be more to come on this DNA stuff and I intend to report every single scurvy little detail. If I’m going down, we’re all going down.
And, if there is going to be a hanging for something that Bru’s relatives did, then I’m turning in the rest of his family too. They are all lurking out there, quiet as mice, probably getting fake passports made so they can come and see us hang but not get involved in any way. If I hang, we all hang.
There, I think I feel better. Now we’ll just wait and see what Ireland has in store for us when they run our DNA through their little machine and see who we are related to. Yay.