Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
I have been the victim of headaches for a number of years. I’ve tried over the counter meds which make a feeble attempt to alleviate the pain and I’ve graduated to the big boys, Tylenol 3. That’s about as far as I’ll go in terms of painkillers. I know there’s some other good stuff out there but I still like to walk upright in my high heels, I don’t want to have to wear a bib and I hate drooling into my soup, so the Percocet is out.
I have some other stuff that seems to work and has no side effects that I know of. From the front anyway. I could have a swath of hair growing down my back for all I know or maybe a little green tail. I haven’t checked lately.
So a while ago I was in day 5 of a gentle hum of a headache. It hadn’t left me for those 5 days and while it was perking along, this headache would spike for a few hours and then climb back down, leaving me laying there in a puddle, taking my meds and seeking dark, quiet corners of the house for any kind of relief.
The final night, at about 3 am, I was stretched out in the Lazyboy in the office here at home. Remember, this was all happening on my days off so I was pouting too. I was laying back with a glass of ice water, some roll-on mint for my forehead, and a couple of other things on the little table beside my chair. The room was dark and Abby, our little 7 pounder, was laying quietly in my lap, just giving me moral support and waiting for her fish.
Then, out of nowhere, with a mount like Nadia Comaneci coming to the balance beam, THE HEIFER pronged straight up from the floor and landed on the arm of the chair. Black cat, dark room, all was calm, and then BOOM, she’s there. It’s a rocking chair too, so it may have gone forward and backward 723 times before Abby and I realized that we weren’t the victims of a downed plane. THE HEIFER rode it out on the arm like a California surfer.
THE HEIFER made a beeline for the rickety little table that held all of my necessities of life and tried to take a shot at my ice-water. I flailed around at her because, tragically, I had a black sock under my glasses to keep out the last vestiges of light, and I couldn’t see so well. So I just wailed my arms through the air, hoping to hit HEIFER fur and get her moving the heck out of there.
She had dug in pretty good once she found my mug of cold water but I caught her and pulled her over to my lap. Abby was already there and she was quite put out about THE HEIFER’s arrival so she moved over to the other arm. THE HEIFER thought that was quite nice of her to move so she found a spot over my left leg and just flopped down.
I tried to pull Abby back so we could recreate the Spa-like atmosphere we had been experiencing before our little ballerina had shown up, but she wasn’t buying into it. It took a minute, but finally Abby curled up in my lap again after I used that annoying wheedling voice that even I can’t stand.
By now, my headache had taken over again and I thought things were going to quiet down when THE HEIFER started to whip her tail around like some evil Sphinx from ancient Egypt. She was really wailing it and every strike was aimed at and landing on Abby. Who does that? Who comes into a happy little two-some cuddling on a chair, one in pain, the other plotting and scheming for her fish, and just lands in the middle – SPLAT – and wrecks everything. Who? THE HEIFER.
So this tail was literally beating Abby even though THE HEIFER had her back to both of us but she was on target every time. I was laying back with the sock still behind my glasses, the headache had now taken on a life of its own, and Abby was just trying to stay alive. I grabbed THE HEIFER’s tail close to her butt and held on for dear life while it whipped left and right, up, down, searching for Abby but striking me all over. It was like some kind of octopus like creature, fighting for its own life. I couldn’t call the police because all of my hands were tied up in self-defence and Abby later claimed to have no knowledge of how to use the phone.
I finally reached the end of my rope; the 5 days of pain, medications, disappointment, rocking chairs, cats, litterboxes, losing lottery tickets, and everything else that had gone wrong since I was 12. I just yelled ENOUGH and I started tossing cats, blankets, socks, and whatever else was on top of me – OFF. Abby was the first to flee and THE HEIFER, bless her evil soul, didn’t move a muscle until she completed the final step of her plan for the night.
She farted. She farted and she stayed on my left leg so I couldn’t move and she made me lay there in cat-fart agony until I was finally able to shake her loose and get her off my leg so that I too, could flee the room, quite possibly the house. There are no words to describe what that cat can do with a can of cat food and 2 yards of intestines. No words. Then she slowly strolled from the office, the clear winner in a contest that I never even entered.